Put It On My Tab

New designer boots you just have to have, $182. Silver bracelet with matching earrings that will go with any outfit, $599. Massage chair that looked wonderful on the infomercial, $734. Becoming a typical American who will never be able to pay off their credit card debt, priceless. Because let’s face it, sometimes you can’t wait until you actually have the money, that is ludicrous! What if it is a limited time offer, or there is a two for one sale, waiting would be absurd. We have all seen the signs, “Buy And Save” and is that not what we are all about in this country? Who cares if little Timmy no longer has a college fund, we need the money to buy ever more useless crap to stimulate our uneventful lives. Sure you may pay more in interest each month than the actual item itself cost, but hey, at least you had it for those extra two months it would have taken you to save the money! However, I’ve lingered far too long on the matter itself and many of you may be wondering, “Why make any changes at all?” “We’ve made it this far, what would be the point of making such a dramatic change in our lifestyle?” I shall be frank. The massive debt a common individual incurs through the use of their beloved credit cards grows every year. At this alarming rate, the average monthly payment will scarcely cover the accumulating interest on these outstanding debts, doing absolutely nothing to diminish the debt itself. We are slowly destroying ourselves from the inside out, and will soon be so consumed by our own over indulgences that we may find ourselves with nothing but left but the complete set of the Magic Bullet preparation kit displayed on last night’s infomercial. And while this reality creeps into many of your minds as you rush to check the mail for your latest credit statement I offer my condolences and implore you and the rest of our superficial nation to exercise a bit of restraint the next time you see an ad for the Cutco knives that are guaranteed to slice through a plate of reinforced steel. And perhaps ask yourself, when they offer to double your purchase if you order in the next 60 seconds, do you really need to be cutting through steel in the first place? I certainly hope not. But once again, I suppose these are simply the peculiarities of being normal.

Quirks of Life

        People spend the greater deal of their lives in the vain attempt to portray themselves as normal. Why do we feel this need to hide the strangeness of our everyday lives, those never failing instances when you think to yourself, “Thank God nobody saw that” or “Boy, if only they knew what I was thinking…” Well, I’ve decided to embark on a mission to bring these quirks of everyday life to light, making us all feel just a little bit more normal. Have you ever been desperately searching for your glasses, and on the brink of giving up you realize they have been on your head the entire time…Have you ever begun a conversation with a person but half way through you forget why you brought it up in the first place…Have you ever not known what to order so you ask for your waiter’s opinion, then ordered something totally different from what they suggested… Have you ever been served your food at a restaurant and when the waiter says, “Have a nice meal” you quickly respond without thinking, “Thanks, you too!” and then feel like a jackass… Have you ever been reading a book when you suddenly realize you can’t remember what the last page said because you were thinking about something totally different the entire time you were reading it, and after reading it again you still have no idea what it said…Have you ever been trying to set your Saturday night plans with a buddy through texting and it is taking far longer than it should, and for just a split second you wish to yourself that there were a more efficient means of communication you could use, immediately after thinking this you hate yourself for not simply calling him two hours ago…Have you ever walked into a room and can’t remember why you went into it in the first place…Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone walks in, so you have to pretend you were singing, and you desperately hope they believe there is actually a song that goes “what does she think I am, some kind of idiot”…And my personal favorite, have you ever looked at your watch, and you still don’t know what time it is, so you look again, but you still don’t know the time, then someone asks you, “Hey what time is it” and like an idiot you have to respond, “I DON'T KNOW!” causing them to question whether or not you can actually read a clock…These frequent and subtle lapses in our brain cause us to go crazy, and wonder “I hope this doesn’t just happen to me.” But I’m here to inform humanity, that these are merely the peculiarities of being normal.